Maybe It's Not Them. Maybe It's Just You(r Attachment Style)

Ever caught yourself thinking...

• “Why hasn’t he texted me back? Did I say something wrong? Maybe I’m just not good enough…”

• “Relationships are fine, but I need my space. I don’t see why everyone has to be so clingy.”

• “I hate that I need them so much, but what if they leave? How do I stop being so terrified?”

• “I want to be close, but every time I try, I feel like running away. Why can’t I just be normal?”

  
  

If any of these thoughts sound familiar, you might wanna hear this...

These are the echoes of attachment styles that guide us—sometimes subtly, sometimes forcefully—through our relationships.

Welcome to Attachment Theory, a psychological framework that offers a powerful lens for understanding why we connect, avoid, fear, or cling to others in the ways that we do.

Let’s decode these thoughts and see where they fit within the four primary attachment styles.

The Four Attachment Styles: Which One Are You?

• Secure: Low anxiety, low avoidance—comfortable with intimacy and independence.

• Anxious: High anxiety, low avoidance—craves closeness but fears rejection.

• Avoidant: Low anxiety, high avoidance—values independence and avoids intimacy.

• Fearful: High anxiety, high avoidance—wants connection but is afraid of it.

  

  
  

1. Secure Attahment: “I’m okay with who I am, and I’m okay with who you are”.

• Thoughts: “I enjoy spending time with my partner, but I also like my independence. I trust that they care about me, even when we're apart.”

• What it means: You have a balanced approach to relationships. You're comfortable with intimacy but also value your independence. You’re generally at ease with closeness and know how to communicate effectively, making you a reliable and supportive partner.

If this sounds like you, congratulations—you’ve got a solid foundation for healthy relationships!

2. Anxious Attachment: “Why aren’t they texting back? What if they don’t like me anymore?”

• Thoughts: “I’m always the one who cares more in relationships. I feel anxious when I don’t get a response right away. What if they’re losing interest?”

• What it means: You crave closeness and validation, but you often worry that you’re more invested than the other person. You might find yourself overthinking, constantly seeking reassurance, or feeling emotionally overwhelmed when faced with uncertainty.

Does this hit home? This means you might have an anxious attachment style, always looking for signs of rejection or withdrawal, even when they might not be there.

3. Avoidant Attachment: “I don’t need anyone, and I’d rather not deal with the drama”.

• Thoughts: “Why does everyone expect so much from me? I like being in a relationship, but I need my space. People get too needy.”

• What it means: You value independence and often feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or emotional demands. You might prefer to keep things casual or distance yourself when you sense someone getting too close.

If this feels like your inner dialogue, you might have an avoidant attachment style. You keep

your guard up, even when you want to connect.

4. Disorganized Attachment: “I want to be close, but I’m scared. Why can’t I just feel safe?”

• Thoughts: “I want to love and be loved, but as soon as I start to feel close to someone, I panic. I don’t know if I can trust them, but I don’t want to be alone either.”

• What it means: Your emotions around relationships are often intense and conflicting. You might find yourself caught between the desire for closeness and a fear of getting hurt, leading to unpredictable or erratic behavior.

Sound like a mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies? You may have a disorganized attachment style, often rooted in past trauma or inconsistent caregiving experiences.

So, What Exactly Is Attachment Theory?

Now that you've glimpsed into your own attachment patterns, let’s dive into what they mean.

Attachment Theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the mid-20th century and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth through her famous "Strange Situation" experiments, explores how the bonds we form with our caregivers in childhood shape the way we connect with others in adulthood.

Bowlby proposed that the need for attachment was biologically embedded, rooted in evolutionary survival mechanisms. Simply put, children who stayed close to a caregiver had a better chance of surviving dangers, and thus, attachment behaviors became a key part of human development. Ainsworth's observational research, particularly her identification of the "secure," "avoidant," and "anxious-resistant" attachment styles, provided empirical backing for Bowlby's theories and opened the door for decades of further research into how these early bonds influence our adult lives.

Why Your Attachment Style Matters

Understanding your attachment style is like holding a mirror to your relationships. It explains why you might pull away when things get too serious, why you feel a rush of anxiety when your partner doesn’t respond, or why you tend to attract the same types of partners over and over again. It’s the ‘why’ behind the push and pull, the clinging, the withdrawing, and the fears that surface when you start to care about someone.

But here’s the good news: Attachment styles aren’t a life sentence. They’re dynamic, and they can change over time with self-awareness, effort, and sometimes a little bit of therapy.

Read our other article "Opposites Attract… But Do They Last? Navigating Attachment Style in Relationships" about how to deal with this when you get into a relationship (as this is when it gets DIFFICULT)...

Moving Towards a Healthier Attachment Style

• If you identified as Anxious: Practice self-soothing techniques when you feel triggered. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that a delayed text doesn’t mean rejection. Work on building self-esteem outside of relationships.

• If you identified as Avoidant: Challenge yourself to lean into intimacy instead of withdrawing. It’s okay to need others, and vulnerability isn’t a weakness. Try to communicate your needs rather than shutting down.

• If you identified as Disorganized: It’s essential to work through past trauma, possibly with a therapist who specializes in attachment issues. Recognize that your fear and longing are both valid and deserve compassionate attention.

• If you’re Secure: Keep doing what you’re doing! Stay open, communicative, and aware of your needs and your partner's.

  
  

The Academic Angle: How Attachment Theory Has Shaped Modern Psychology

Researchers have found that individuals with secure attachment styles often exhibit better mental health outcomes, greater emotional regulation, and more resilience in facing life's challenges.

In recent years, neuropsychological studies have even shown that attachment styles are reflected in brain activity. For example, securely attached individuals tend to have higher levels of oxytocin, often called the "love hormone," which fosters bonding and trust. This emerging evidence suggests that attachment isn’t just an abstract concept—it’s a deeply ingrained, biologically-rooted part of who we are.

Final Thoughts: Your Attachment Style Isn’t Set in Stone

Identifying your attachment style is just the beginning. The real power comes in understanding how it influences your relationships and taking conscious steps to change patterns that no longer serve you. By becoming more aware of your thoughts and reactions, you can start to rewrite the script and create healthier, more fulfilling connections.

So, the next time you catch yourself anxiously waiting for a reply or feeling the urge to pull away, pause. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that it’s just your attachment style talking. And the more you understand it, the more power you have to shape the way you connect with the world around you.

After all, you’re not just a product of your past—you’re an evolving story, capable of growth, healing, and rewriting your relationship narrative.